The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse
What does John Gottman have to do with everyday business life? A very valid question, since John Gottman is actually a couples therapist. We’d say, A LOT! What makes his research unique is that, based on just five communication patterns, he was able to predict with a high degree of certainty whether partnerships and relationships would fall apart. Perhaps it’s not quite the approaching apocalypse foretold in the Bible, but trust and the ability to manage conflict are also—and especially in everyday corporate life—crucial foundations for long-term success. So here’s a brief look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and their destructive impact:
The first horseman is called Criticism. This doesn’t mean simply stating what bothers you about the other person. Rather, it involves “adding” something negative about the other person’s character. Words like “always,” “never,” “every time,” “constantly,” and “of course” are particularly dangerous here … in other words, exaggerations that aren’t true and that encompass both the past and the future.
A personal attack is usually followed immediately by a defensive reaction. Accordingly, defense is, for Gottman, the second horseman of the apocalypse, bringing disaster. Yet it is a natural reflex to want to defend oneself. After all, you don’t want to be hurt any further. However, Gottman considers this very dangerous in a communicative exchange. When one person tries to explain their own situation defensively, the other feels their (subjectively justified) criticism has been ignored because their needs weren’t adequately addressed. By the second “yes, but…” at the latest, you’ll notice that the conversation has turned into a defense.
If you can’t break out of this pattern, things get serious: The third horseman, called Contempt, gallops in. Gottman considers him the most dangerous of the five. He sees the cause in problems that have existed for a long time and haven’t been resolved. “Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other person.” The other person has then been “pigeonholed,” with no solution in sight.
If a separation or breaking off contact is not possible, the fourth apocalyptic horseman is already waiting: withdrawal. Alternatively, one could also call it “putting up walls.” The person being criticized simply withdraws. The criticism goes unanswered. At first glance, putting up walls does not seem as intense as an argument where sparks really fly. In reality, however, it is a demonstration of one’s own indifference toward the other person. This naturally provokes frustration and anger, because a sense of helplessness takes hold in the other person.
The fifth and final horseman is called demonstration of power. Gottman added him later, because initially his reflections had only yielded four horsemen of the apocalypse. But those four have already done their job thoroughly by the time the fifth—the power play—enters the battlefield. Interest in the other person and their needs has completely vanished, and powerful cards are played (e.g., “I’m the one bringing home the money here”; “I’m the one in charge here”; “I’m the expert here!”).
What to do? Or more importantly, what not to do? A first step could be to tame the first horseman and strike the respective words from your vocabulary.
Because they are usually not true.
References:
Gottman, John M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology. 7 (1): 57–75.